From the            
                        JOKIN' AROUND DISK    
                               by               
                        LEEJAN ENTERPRISES    
                     P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                       South Australia. 5159.  


 
Would the invention of the telephone ever have gotten off the ground if
Alexander Graham Bell's first call had gone ...   
Bell:  Mr. Watson, come here; I want you. 
Voice: If you know Watson's extension, press 1 now. If you would like to leave
a message for Watson, press 2 now ...   
The telephone, which was satisfied for a century or so simply placing and 
receiving calls, has become a different animal in recent years. These days 
everybody has an answering machine, a speakerphone, and a slew of other 
telecommunication doodads. Call waiting, Caller ID, and last number redial 
are fine, but here are some options that can't be far behind:

ON-HOLD DISRUPT. When someone puts you on hold for more than 15 seconds, a
digitized voice blares over their speakerphone, "Hey! Remember me? I don't have
all day!" This option also shorts out Muzak if it's being played.

CALL SCHMOOZING. Stuck listening to a long-winded acquaintance? Call Schmoozing
activates a speech-synthesized voice that sounds just like you and repeats,
"Uh-huh ... I see ... right" while the other party babbles on. They think
you're hanging on every word, when you're actually getting some work done.

CALL SCHMOOZING PLUS. Your phone places call to important contacts, trades
pleasantries, probes for career-enhancing information, and ends by saying,
"You're beautiful. Let's do lunch. Don't ever change."

GOSSIP NOTIFICATION. Company rumors are automatically broadcast to selected
voice mailboxes. Time once wasted circulating gossip translates into increased
productivity.

CALL TERMINATE. Imagine being able to fire troublesome employees just by
dialing their numbers! An excellent feature for executives with poor
confrontation skills.

NETWORK EAVESDROP. A must for the paranoid manager. Whenever anyone in the
company mentions your name during a phone conversation, a voice- activated tape
recorder stores the call so you can review it later and hear what people say
about you.

SELECTIVE CALL DISCOURAGING. Program the numbers of people you _really_ don't
want to speak with. When they dial your number, your phone transmits a mild
electric shock through their receivers.

CELLULAR CRANK CALL. On command, your car phone can dial any other car phone
within a 30-mile radius and tell the driver his muffler looks as though it's
about to fall off.

CALL REMINDING. Store the birthdays and anniversaries of loved ones in your
telephone's memory. On the appropriate days, the phone automatically calls them
and relays heartfelt sentiments in a digitized voice resembling yours.

CALL INTERRUPT. When you need to end a conversation quickly, a button on your
phone causes a fake operator to break in and announce that you have an
emergency call on the line from Steve Jobs.

SUBLIMINA-CALL. Periodically during a conversation, the phone plays subliminal
messages to the other party, such as "Say yes" and "Increase my department's
budget."

CHARGE FORWARDING. A quick push of a button charges any long-distance call to
the person you're calling or to friends who don't look too closely at their
phone bills.

                  
	                     From the            
                        JOKIN' AROUND DISK    
                               by               
                        LEEJAN ENTERPRISES    
                     P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                       South Australia. 5159.